Home, Roots, Reality

I went back to China mid December, 2025 finally after 7 years. I wasn't sure what to expected as I kinda disconnected with all families and friends over there. So I only booked for 12 days but what this 12 days taught me was way beyond my imagination.

I went to three cities: Jinan, Shanghai and Beijing; spent tremendous amount of time with my aunt's family and 3 other couple friends. Each were in their own phase of life, each different in personality, history, and circumstance, yet grounded in a common thread: responsibility, stability, maturity, and quiet devotion.

In Jinan, I mostly spent with family, and I experienced unconditional love. They showed up no matter what. And that, I haven't felt for decades fighting for my own life in the States. Yes they had different opinions with me a lot of times, and yes, they were very different people from me; but, they always showed up, every single day, through actions to show their love.

Jinan also changed so much in so many ways but still the same in so many ways. The roads were widened, high rising building were built, but there was still springs and canals running through the city, the people there were still so genuine and kind. I walked pass by my elementary school, junior high and high school. Students there were still wearing the same uniform as what I wore back in the days fighting for their dream.

Then I went to Shanghai: a very modern and gorgeous city with a major river in the middle. There was beautiful night light shows and tons of tourists. However, I felt a big disconnection just like how I felt about New York.

People there felt superficial and chaotic. There were so many random people doing TikTok streaming and advertising for their social media; women and men there chase materials and were all wearing brand names. There were random men who came to ask for my social media just to feel validated. I was surrounded by people but felt lonely. But people were still nice. I spend time with some friends and they insisted on paying every meal. They were texting me places to go and trendy spots and I was very grateful to have them around.

Then it's Beijing and I lived and spent so much time with my junior high school and high school friends and that's where the recalibration happened.

With my friends, they weren’t loud about love. They weren’t obsessed with aesthetics. They weren’t performing relationship. They simply lived it. And they were so consistent and responsible.

I saw men who didn’t need to chase novelty to feel alive. They were around my age but deeply devoted to their career and highly aware of who they were and their responsibilities.

I saw women who were independent emotionally, grounded, respected, and worked their ass off to achieve their dream and the life they want. With kids, they showed patience and open minded curiosity. With work, they showed consistency and devotion. With relationship and family, they showed responsibility and respect.

I saw couple with different types of dynamics: some with initial intensity, some with high paper level compatibility, some with deep respect, no matter what, I saw how consistent they were and how they anchored each other in rooted reality. But also how each of them did not give up themselves for the other.

My nervous system slowed down. I started to finally reconnect to my identity. The urgency to prove anything disappeared. And I no longer was craving for answers. And for the first time in a long time, I didn’t want the fantasy version of love. I wanted reality. I saw real life.

I appreciate my family with my deepest soul. I want a partner who is highly self aware, highly responsible and with high integrity. I want super aligned values towards how to live life. Chemistry lost its grip.

I came back to the States and recalibrated with all the connections I have been entertaining and lost interests in all of them. Not that there was no chemistry; not that they were bad people. I just simply know they did not meet my bar mentally, emotionally or were still unawarely chasing chaos. And I cherish my energy.

I really love the current version of myself and my thinking. I don't think I'm perfect but I'm so grateful to become who I am today. I hope I continue to rise from here. Inside out. Cheers to 2026 and forward!